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Sorta...

http://aditya-joshi.net/reflections/


I won't be updating this part much more. Eventually will probably delete it.

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-a

Reflections on... a calling

What is a calling?

I am awake right now - it's 1.45 in the morning.
I went to bed at midnight.
I need to be up and about at 7.30

Why am I awake?
I keep thinking!
Thinking of what I'm doing here and the future.
I've lost the "off switch" somewhere.

I have literally started having dreams about school and teaching.
It's not homesickness... it's a longing for a certain activity. It seems to be... a calling.

What I'm studying here does not train me to become a teacher.
I will have to do that after I go back to India.
It certainly helps though. Every single time I have to think of an application for what I'm learning... I keep thinking along the lines of how I could do it in school.

My major is aimed at Performance Improvement and Human Resource Development.
This actually means that my "dream" (No real reasons for the quotes there - other than cynicism perhaps) of teaching would mean that I forego what would be a fairly well paying job (even?) in India.
Honestly, I'm OK with that.
I have considered "dreaming different dreams" and the idea doesn't balk me.

My main aim in life will always be travel and broadening my horizons. It is an interest. Is it a passion?
I would say not - not if I'm ready to "compromise".

My experience teaching has been wonderful. I look forward to doing it again.
I could say that I made some difference for some kids and I believe I can say it without conceit.
It was a most wonderful experience. The satisfaction is/was immense.
The kids and the experience have made a difference in me. People in my last graduate course in Pune said as much - they noted the difference in me between my first and third semesters in the course.
I have grown. I feel it. I want to continue.

The challenges?

Societal expectations.

I'm well educated but may not earn as much. At least for some time. I aim to teach between 5 and 10 years and take it from there. I suspect some sort of stagnation and/or bitterness might set in after that time. However, reinventing myself will always be my challenge and I'm up to it.

Another thing that I've been grilled about before... eventual family responsibilities... what about my wife and her aspirations? etc etc.
Well, I will really cross that bridge when I come to it. Honestly, I can again say without deceit, at this time, that I have no issues switching economic roles with a spouse. I'd be more than happy being the supplemental income if she brought home the bacon. Oh that that would happen... Mutual friends, please take note! (Refer to post below for that!)
Honestly, if push comes to shove, I can always switch but for all my plans and backup plans and allowing for eventualities, that is one eventuality that I DO NOT want to arise.

I may be in a bubble.
My experience at school was extremely fulfilling. Yet, how much of it was a function of mine having gone back to my own school to teach? My comfort in the place -- though the people might not necessarily have found it too comfortable and that wasn't all cushy all the time...
It is more a function of the neighbourhood - for better or for worse, the location of the school means that certain sorts of children attend there... when I teach, I'd like to be in the same neighbourhood - because I know I can reach out to those kinds of kids. This is not to say that I couldn't do it with others. However, that might be one thing I would be scared to try. It's been a charmed existence and I don't want certain perceptions to shatter. Is that weak? I'd say it's human.

Guilt?
My parents have taken a lot of trouble to get me where I am (I specifically mean the US).
I know they support my desire of teaching.
Yet, with all that they had to invest in sending me here... there is a certain amount of guilt in going back to a low paying job and not getting a "return on investment" as it were.
Might be shallow, might be stupid. Still true, as far as I'm concerned.
I know I'm definitely richer for the experience of having come here.
I also know that I will be working my butt off, doing my best to ensure that tuition for the rest of my time is waived off... one way or another... Unfortunately, that is not entirely in my hands and that is not entirely comforting.

What is a calling?
Is it this? Being awake because you keep thinking of a certain thing?
Thinking of it even in your dreams?

Am I just being delusional because I'm young, passionate and naïve?

Well, I'm young, perhaps only in body - some people have been calling me grandpa since I was 8.
Passionate? Hell yeah!
Naïve? I hope not.

Delusional? Decidedly not! Oh wait...

Now if only ABBA's "I have a dream" would play on Pandora Radio right now. That'd be like one of those "omens" that make everything clear...

Lament...

I think I can now say that I have a very good taste in girls.

You ask me, how I know?

Well, all the girls I remotely like turn out to be unavailable...

*le sigh*

When I discussed this with some friends earlier, I've gotten different sorts of response.

"Steal her Adi!" is one.
And I say, "No!"
"Why not?", you ask?
Well, call me cynical but if she got stolen once (by me), she may get stolen yet again (from me).
This is not a lack of confidence but it would be disrespectful for the girl, in my opinion.
If she has something and it is successful, good for her. If it's not successful, I may yet be available by then, waiting like a croc in water, ready to snap her up!
However, they keep on getting engaged... so I may as well be dead wood floating...

"Just fall in love once!" is the other response.
Well, it's fairly easy in theory.
Unfortunately, the sensible (uptight?) being that I am, it keeps me from doing that altogether.
I didn't look for anything in India because I knew I was coming here.
I don't (really) look for anything here because I know I want to go back.
For aeons, friends and family have been prophesying a "white wife" for me - tell me... which white girl would move to India?
Unlikely...

"Look for an Indian there" might be another response.
*deep sigh*
There are no eligible young Indian ladies in my program.
The other Indian crowd here... I don't fraternise with.

More to lament about... all my mates have found someone or the other and they are all lovely young ladies.
How did they do that?
They have that rare beast known as mutual friends.
Or perhaps they went to school together.
Or, some lucky SOBs had BOTH of the above and initiative from the lady's side.

Oh to have mutual friends... pipe up guys! What good are you?! :P

Oh to have someone indicate interest... I think I may have better luck finding a genie in a lamp...

And since I know my parents read this... there is nothing further you need to know! If there was, you'd have known it by now. If/when there is... you will be the second ones to know. ;-)
And if you don't know who the first one(s) will be, I certainly am not going to explain!

Notes to self...

When driving, remember -

- to breathe
- to notice stop signs and lights
- that people in the opposite lane will mind their own business

Trust

Trust -

- makes me thankful
- is an honour
- is humbling

Of blogs and interesting things...

I haven't posted on here in a really long while.

In some ways, it makes me feel guilty.
There are times when I feel like writing, things I feel like sharing...
Yet... if I'm not at a machine then... by the time I get to one... other things crop up... which are more immediate in their priority. By the time I find some time to myself... my thoughts, more than half formed, are lost...

It really is funny how thoughts and reflections fade away so fast in their impact and importance. I think it's a reflection on how we grow every passing moment - Buddhist philosophy of the self says that our self is not the same even from one moment to the next - things that seem interesting and thoughtful at one point in time...don't matter as much a little later... we learn, we grow.

On the other hand, I have promised myself not to press myself into writing here... that kills the motivation to write anything at all.

Things aren't boring - not to me. I learn a lot - every day, every week.

However, I suspect getting all of them down here might be rather boring...
I do want to make an effort to write down my thoughts and impressions more and come put them here as soon as possible. To make this interesting again...

I view this place as a repository of thoughts, knowledge, lessons learned... it will be convenient but I've come to realise that not all the lessons learned need to be reflected upon... or rather... nothing will be lost even if I don't note them down here... lessons truly learned start the process of change in you as soon as you learn them and they become experience...

I revel in my experience... I hope to share what I can with you...

Of dreams and premonitions...

So I had a dream yesterday. It was fairly weird, with the star cast being assorted and not really people who would be together in my regular interactions...
That was the only weird part really... the situation seemed agreeable enough. Don't ask me what it was; I don't remember. Yet I do remember a curious feeling...

I happened to awaken at some part of the dream, realise that it was a dream and felt a tinge of disappointment - the dream seemed better than the prospect of what lay ahead of me today (which, being a saturday was none to bad...) - go figure.
I wonder if it was something to do with school... it's likely... now that I think of it.

In other news: in talking to another friend of mine, she mentioned having a dream about a mutual friend (confused yet) - who was getting married and all and sundry were in attendance.
At the rate at which these girls are getting married, I wouldn't wonder if that wasn't a premonition or dejá vu!

Passport!

Click on the image above and go on a journey across Europe.
Feedback is welcome - here, on IM or email...
(I know the Quiz is easy but can you find it first?)