Unconditional Friendship...

I just got back from seeing Frankie off at the airport. He's on his way to Switzerland for a year, on International Youth Exchange. Frankie is technically one of my students, but more of a friend. He did learn from me - German, among other things and I got to learn from him.
For all my talk of friends as mirrors, Frankie... is a mirror and a good one... though I'm not sure he's exactly aware of how much of a good friend he has been for me.... but that's OK.
Like I said, you need not smother your friends with pressure - especially the ones which are best for you, by telling them you consider them (one of) your best friend(s)...
To this day, I haven't told any of the three people I consider/ed (at one time or another) my best friends... that I felt this way and I prefer it like this...

This post though... dedicated to Frankie...

With my other best friends - the cases were different. I was myself with them. One accepted me as is, had fair expectations about me, is a lovely fellow himself and is still in touch. It is for this unbiased acceptance from him that makes me very comfortable with him.

The other one - well, we haven't talked in two years - yet when we did... it was all good - a fair amount of trust was bestowed upon me, the acceptance was not quite unconditional but it was still acceptance and an intelligent ear was lent for whatever I had to say and stimulating discussion took place.
This person believes that all relationships have a shelf life and that one should make the best of one, while one can... these are not necessarily views I agree with... in fact... I'd stay in touch with certain special people one way or another.. forever... but as it stands... our relationship expired and while I'm not sure I count this person as a friend anymore... she was one of the best ones I had... for the conversations we had and moreso.. for the thing I learned from the expiry of our interaction...

Frankie... he is new. Like I said... a student... the age difference is pretty big.
Yet... for his occasional childishness and childlike wonder at many things, he has a very good head on his shoulders. Can come off as abrasive but impress him and you're all set.
To his credit, he listened intelligently every time I lectured him on some point or the other, he was frank enough to say when the lectures bored him... yet subsequent interactions proved that he had been paying attention throughout...

The best gift that he gave me was never ever patronising me...

I think you will know that there are times when we act a little petulant with our friends in the hope that they will indulge us and massage our ego at some point... yet this never happened with Frankie... calling a spade a spade, I got a sort of taste of my own medicine and while it was bitter to begin with... the subsequent reflection on it made me learn things about him, about myself and made me grow. This might sound weird but I really appreciated it.. especially when there were no ulterior motives in being blunt... he was not being mean... just matter of fact and now I know how other might feel when I do it. Yet... I can do it now with better understanding and responsibility towards the person I'm being blunt with...

This post talks about him... it made me reflect on the self... and brought about an unconditionality in my behaviour towards him. His straightforwardness has led to a tremendous increase in my affection for him and I have very little doubt that I would do for him, whatever he asked me to do... and also a trust in him that he would not ask me to do anything stupid... not dangerously so anyway...

How many of you have any sort of unconditional friendship or regard for anyone?

It can get trying... as Frankie prepared for his trip there... he got busy... a little inaccessible... times when I wanted to talk to him, he was unavailable... no replies to texts and all...
It's at this time that it can get trying and one starts to think if there is any deliberateness involved in this lack of communication... yet... whenever we met, talked after any of this... the signs were clear that none of it was deliberate.

Patience, regard, trust, thankfulness, maturity(?)... are among the few things I believe I have learned from him... due to him... in one form or another... for one situation or another...

You need not take my word for it, you need not even believe me... but perhaps my actions and interactions with you might prove the point... or perhaps there's no point to be proven at all. I am blessed for having known this boy. He is neither special, nor amazing, nor awe inspiring... he is a mirror and thus... all of the above...

Over the last few months as I mulled and reflected on these thoughts, the following questions occurred to me:

do you think it's possible (and healthy) to be an unconditional friend?
to do whatever your friend asks you
even though they might not care for you as much
or for them you're a buddy who has uses and is good at some things
while not part of the mainstream friend circle?

It would be good if the readers could get back to me with their thoughts.
In comments if you like, by email if you prefer... with your permission, I might share this feedback.

I actually sent these questions to CoCo and his response is pasted below:

"In response to your question about friendship. This is interesting because, in a lot of ways, JDM has been that kind of friend for me. And we actually had a massive argument about it at one point, how he is always there for me but it is not necessarily reciprocated. JDM will drop what he's doing and help me if I'm in trouble. He'll drive to my place to go for a walk with me and will ditch work and the people he's with. He'll stop what he's doing if I need to talk to him. He's done tons for me. He's also not in my mainstream circle of high school friends. Throughout all of high school JDM was this mythical figure to all my friends that I talked about a lot and hung out with a lot but no one ever saw. People began to joke that he was just my invisible friend and he didn't actually exist.

The thing with JDM though is that he doesn't have "his uses" as you put it...that makes it sound like I'm using him, which I'm not...I just enjoy talking to him and we have a lot in common and play music and do all these other things.
Now putting all that aside, to actually answer your question: is it healthy to be an unconditional friend? all I can say is to be a LITERALLY unconditional friend is unhealthy. There has to be a line somewhere. I think sometimes JDM has stepped over that line (driving to my place and leaving work was probably the most ridiculous), but I probably have somewhere along the way too. But generally you have to say no sometimes and live your own life and make the friend work on things themselves at some point. You can't constantly be coming to your friend's aid at every beck and call.
A) you need to have your own life and it should hold a high enough degree of importance that at some point your life takes greater importance over the life of your friend,
B) you need to let your friend have his own life and deal with his own stuff without having your shoulder to cry on all the time and
C) you both need to think for yourselves and be separate and distinct people, not living this weird melded life.

"to do whatever your friend asks you even though they might not care for you as much". First of all you can't do whatever your friend asks you all the time...i mean, JDM tells me to do heroin, um..no i think I'm going to think for myself in that situation, there is always an exception. And if your friend is telling you to do heroin in the first place he probably doesn't care about you as much as you care about him and he probably cares about himself even less if he's doing heroin. also as a little side note: I don't like the ambiguity of the idea of how much someone cares about another. I mean, how do you define who cares about who more? its just like trying to decide which spouse loves which more? It's impossible because both the ideas of caring and loving are very ambiguous and person-specific."

This was pretty educational for me... I never expected a response from the recipient of such unconditional friendship. And a lot of it makes sense...

So write in, tell me what YOU think...

In conclusion, I'd also like to share what my mum told me a couple weeks ago. I have an aunt who's extremely fond of me... she's a cousin aunt... so in some ways this is strange... yet we have similar interests, love to chatter and get along like a house on fire whenever we meet. She has also been keeping an eye out for things that would be helpful for me in my career (she's a psychologist as well) and is generally a very nice person.
When I got my visa, my mum asked me if I had told her yet and I hadn't... so she was a little irriated at me and gave me something to reflect upon.

"जे आपल्यावर निरपेक्षितपणे प्रेम करतात, त्यांची जरा दखल जास्त द्यावी!"

It's not quite verbatim but she said that for people who love us unconditionally and without expectation of anything in return, should be especially taken care of, from our side... albeit in whatever small way...
In fact, I'd add... निरपेक्षित प्रेम जे आपल्यावर करतात, त्यांच्यासाठी अधुनमधुन काही अनपेक्षित आणि थोड्याश्या अलग गोष्टी करायला हव्यात! अशी अपेक्षा आपण स्वतःकडून ठेवावी!
For people who love us unconditionally, we should expect ourselves to do the unexpected for them, from time to time!

Levels of Friendship!

You might find me refer to some of my friends here.
Many of them lie on different levels of the Friendship continuum and this continuum differs for everybody, according to their own experience and thoughts...

Here's mine - from the brightest, to the not so best -


1. Best Friend

As far as I'm concerned, this is a tricky category... which should not be doled out too easily, if at all.
A good marriage/partnership will be between two best friends - yet the jury is still out on whether or not opposites attract... Just the other day, there was an article on how opposites do attract, yet like minded people stay together longer.
And yeah... friends do form groups because they're similar, eh? Dissimilar people make up a team and you don't always need to like each other...

Best friends are there for you. They understand you, pull no punches and are mirrors - showing you a reflection of what you are... so that you may continue, or improve... as the case may be.

One needs to be open to the fact though, that whom you consider your best friend (as in, the friend who's perhaps the best for you) need not consider you the same. And that really is OK.... or it should be...

With best friends, I will neither say that they are "go to" people or that they are "always there" but they are there when required, either in thought, body or soul...

2. Close friends

These are the ones who know you quite well, yet you don't necessarily tell your deepest darkest secrets. They know you, your family, most of your likes and dislikes and for the most part, will be ready to hang out whenever, and wait and clean up after the party.

The distinction between these and you would be the lack of their being a reflective mirror. If at all they mirror you, then it might be more along the lines of "bird of a feather" - they do the same things as you - good or bad, smart of foolish - more groupthink than anything else...

These could also be the "go to" people for many things, at different times.

3. Good friends

Good friends are people you like to hang out with. In fact, in a slightly selfish vein, good friends are the ones you use in a number of ways - yet, without malice or demeaning them.
I have several good friends, who have their uses - especially when I want to rant about someone or something - depending on the person or thing in topic, I would go to a different friend.
Some of these make the right sympathetic noises and let you vent and just get it all out.
Others... might agree and be balm to a hurt ego. Still others, might call you an idiot or add a different point of view to what you're saying.
They fall short of close and/or best friends for they won't be reflective and as far as I'm concerned, they might have one specific utility, as opposed to being a "go to" person for everything.

4. Friends

These are people you'd come across as a result of close cohabitation - classmates, schoolmates, neighbours etc.
These relationships are mostly social in nature, can be good for networking (you know never know who can help where) and are good for Time Pass ... not someone you'd feel close to, or (usually) annoyed by.

5. Acquaintances

People met through common interests, common friends - someone you might only say hello/goodbye to and might keep a visiting card of.
Acquaintances don't end at this level though... many might climb to the higher rungs of friendship.

6. Annoyances

Perhaps through no real fault of their own, these are the people who seem to crave your friendship, company and thoughts. I know exactly how they feel, yet am too dignified to act like them... these are the people who might not take a hint.
Usually, these people are not Annoyances at first. They (almost) always mean well, want to help and be useful. They might ask for assistance themselves, which I'm happy to provide - yet with this assistance, I neither offer nor promise more, nor do I indicate interest in continuing this further. If it doesn't continue and they do take the hint, great...
I wouldn't be rude on purpose to anyone of these people, yet if they can't take the hint that there is no interest.. then rudeness can be necessary... which can lead to rancour... yet... it leads to the next level

7. People who don't matter...

These are the basest kind... as far as their circle of influence over you goes...
People who are in the vicinity, yet neither their thoughts and actions matter... many times due to their actions and inability to take a hint... If one is rude to them, they might take offense and lash out... yet... they simply don't matter ... not their thoughts, not their actions, nor their existence (harsh I know...)
One might say... you're being cocky and harsh at the same time... what if someone was imbalanced?
Well... then I'm trouble, aren't I?
Yet... things have panned out well for the most part here!


Any guesses as to where you fall? ;-)

Friends over time...

The first Sunday of August is celebrated as Friendship Day here.
No one know why, when it started or who started it...

I personally believe that I don't need a special day to tell my friends how much they mean to me. I usually prefer to keep letting them know that in many small ways continuously...
However, the "occasion" does give me an excuse to get together, catch up and hang out...

Well, Friendship Day started a day early for me... and given that I don't think it's any one special day... it seemed apt...

Saturday was my last day at school and there were a lot of fond farewells and picture taking...
There was also the matter of getting a last cheque from the school and getting an experience certificate (worth its weight in gold) and when the lack of power, stolen LAN wires and general clerical ineptness conspiring to keep me back in school longer than expected, I was headed for trouble.

The first order of business later was lunch and an afternoon out with my mates from Indira here... The Doctor was not amused by my lateness... though I was not as late as Bouncer...
Plans were chopped and changed by the Doctor and the Sociopath until we finally got together, got into a car and started driving off.
It was only half an hour later that I realised that I was being kidnapped...
And...I couldn't even call for help... my phone battery died!
I was supposed to go out for dinner later but no way to coordinate with my dinner dates!!

Yet... this abduction was a bucket of fun. We went out nearly to Lonavala to what is technically a trucker's stop but actually a restaurant aimed at family/groups looking for good (and lots of it) food...
The weather was brilliant! Cool, overcast and pretty strong showers of rain, the warmth of good company kept us from getting chilled in the monsoon wind...

I was supposed to be back in the city to attend a party at Frankie's at 4... yet by the time I reached his place....it was 6.15... that's how evil my kidnappers (pictured above) were! See my glum face?

Frankie's off for a year on an exchange trip and this would be the last time for me to spend extended time with him and meet his parents!
That was a nice interlude from the madness of the day, which had included a spill from my motorcycle thanks to a second conspiracy... a sloping road, sudden braking of a tempo and a wet surface... well, I fell to the opposite of my regular side this time and got away with minor scrapes and a banged up knee...

After Frankie's I hurried home to charge my phone! Not a single soul I met that day used the regular, old type of charger. I was worried I was going to get slammed down by the Gamers since I'd been out of touch all day... they'd been trying to get to me ... but they're good guys and true to form, dinner was a late affair... and I even got pick up service as we were scheduled to head back to my place for a game of Puerto Rico later.

Another party ensued at some place called Symphony Blues - one of the Gamers was buying us dinner to celebrate his new job... booze and conversation flowed freely and for the second time in about three weeks... I knew what tipsiness was all about... this time there was food but... with Planter's Punch, Margarita and Budweiser all thrown in together in various amounts... I was happy to be back and thinking by the time we got home. Puerto Rico is not exactly a cakewalk...
I was back to my regular self but as you can see with the pagan celebration below...not sure my friends were... but then ... I think perhaps they don't need to be drunk to dance around an Unidentified Disco Object...

All evening, once my phone had started working again, I'd been getting calls from the Ulti-mates asking if I'd go with them to Sinhgad today morning... This was a spur-of-the-moment plan and with Puerto Rico having already been planned... I foresaw being able to go to the fort only in the guise of a Zombie! As it went... I got to bed at 3.30 and the kids got ringing at about 6.15... I begged off... didn't want to walk off the mountain, down into the valley... and I also wanted to be alert for an afternoon of Ultimate fun!

My last games here for a couple of years were fun... won one, lost one... meh... but still fun. Got all of the kids to sign a disc - the very first disc - as a memento... gave away some cards and gifts... got a gift in return! - and got this very nice pic below!!

Finally, got home after Ultimate to catch up with schoolmates and an idea seems to have been born... more on the idea in the coming days, months, weeks, years... yes... that's right!
But it has been born and by mentioning it here... it gets existence outside our own heads... but watch this space for more... (eventually!)

So there you have it... friends over time... friends from through time...
School mates, Post grad college mates, my students - my friends and the Gamers.
Only the Elves are missing but then that's because Geography throws a spanner in that equation but I get to meet (most of) them in the next ten day... before I fly off... (but that's another post)...

Friends through time... I am blessed!
What fuels me?
My friends fuel me!

Friendship in a 100 words - not really

The following is from yet another Dutchie (the last one for now) - a person I've met once but I'd still call a friend, for the interactions we've shared - and the human (and petty emotions) that we've shared (the petty was all on my side) but we talk and I learn and this guy is pretty amazing.
You'd have to talk to him to really find out though.

So here we have: (Soon to be) Dr. Jayjay (I know he's going to hate me for calling him that here but meh! )

He tried to write in 100 words (in fact that was the title of his doc) but it's 408 but we don't mind...here...quantity might actually add to quality!

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The other day I was talking about friendship with someone close to me. It turned out that we both had similiar experiences with highschool-friendships. Highschool is the place and time where any person goes from being a child to being a teenager to being, in some cases, an adult and in other cases at least a very mature teenager. Undoubtly, friendships made in this period in life can make or break one’s opinion on the importance of friendship in general and the values and morals one seeks in friendship. I shall not go into detail on the similar experience I mentioned, but it needs to be said that it can be described as a stab in the back from someone we both described as “a friend”. I must note here that we did not know each other when we were in highschool. We did conclude, however, that both of us these days, some 5 years later, tend to keep a close circle of “true friends” around us and a lot of people, who’d be described as friends by others, are mere acquintances to us.

What we also concluded is that friendships are not bound to be born on occasions when one would expect them to be. That friendships can grow after having known someone for years and vice versa one can become the closest friends with someone they’ve just met. Friendship is a feeling above all, and even with the expectations and reservations one may have towards “friendship”, it’s not something that follows a set of rules. One can feel a real connection with someone they know mostly from the internet or one can still feel unrelated to someone after playing in the same sportsteam together for years.

So, I think friendship is when two people know they can trust each other, can rely on each other and can share the ups and downs of life with each other without having to say they can. They must feel they can. The final question one could ask then is what differentiates love from friendship. I do not know, perhaps being in love with someone is the ultimate form of friendship, perhaps, being in love is much more than a form of friendship, but a feeling of togetherness undescribable with words.What I do know is that any true friendship has some love in it, for otherwise one cannot share a feeling with someone without having to say it out loud.

A teacher shares her thoughts...

I decided to branch out in the kind of people I asked to share their thoughts.
A majority of these contributions are from peers.
A couple, from my students and now...we will have a couple from my elders - relatives and teachers and the suchlike.
I sent out an email saying that I would like them to share their thoughts because I felt that we were friends on some level or that their thoughts would be interesting.
This was one of the interesting ones.

Mrs. K taught me English Literature and Advertising in the first two years of my Bachelors. Good times were had in general...

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Having lived long enough to have made many friends on this planet, I can say a few things about friends. here they are:

Depending upon what kind of person you are, you draw specific type of friends to yourself---no matter what you declare in public. Your deeper intentions will change over time, and lo! types of friends will change too.
To have the same friends for whole lifetime is very boring. Because you change. And accordingly the friends change too. You may not relate to many of your friends after you are out of that phase.
As far as the intensity of friendship is concerned, I would love to quote from the book--"The General in His Labyrinth" by Gabriel Marquez, the Nobel prize winner Mexican writer. The 80 years old general is busy with his military plans. He says this his mistress--" I love you very much, but I will love you even more if you go now." Even in friendship one must have that kind of respect for the other person's space.
If you feel that friendship is making you weaker and more dependent on the other person then I would say that this is not a healthy thing. Excessive dependence is not good. Friendship must help people to grow.
I have some friends whom I havn't met for years--in fact in decades. But when I meet them it is instant conncection. As if we had never parted. Of course such friends are very few.
As you can see I am a very individualistic person. So, for me respect for each one's space, his growth come first. And no, I am not fun-loving, party-going, lively, talkative, bubly etc etc....I never was-- even when I was a teenager. HA! HA! HA! In fact I get bored with such people.

Thoughts from an aunt

This is an email from Z...an aunt on my mother's side of the family. That particular side of the family is all crazy but a hell of a lot of fun.

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Hi! I got this with great intentions of writing on your blog (love your blog!) but ... sigh, I have no pithy comments about friendship. Other than to say I'm blessed with a few great friends, and many friendly acquaintances - the kind that disappear when you really need support but are happy to spend the frivolous hours! I try to appreciate whatever way people choose to show up in my life.

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Does one really need to say too much more?

SMS 5P34|< on Friendship...

Well...we've covered thoughts on friendship from various media...

Quotes from famous people.
Comics
Thoughts shared by my friends.

Well, these last few weeks, I've been getting text messages from a friend -- they are slightly mushy and probably totally clichéd but I thought they were worth sharing:

-x-

When you truly care for someone, you don't find faults and mistakes; instead you correct their mistakes and accept their faults. That's true friendship.

-x-

a friend is 1 who forgives b4 u say "sorry". Understands wen u say "I forgot". Waits forever wen u say "1 min". Stays when you say "leave me alone"

-x-

Friends are like pieces of a puzzle. If you lose one, it will never be complete again. Just wanted you to know that you are one of the pieces I can't afford to lose.

-x-

Sweetest part in life is 2 carry all d memories in life but toughest part is 2 say goodbye 2 the person who is behind all those memories.

-x-

So...the goodbyes begin...

Pearls on Friendship...

I don't think this needs much explanation...

BJ shares his thoughts...

BJ...is an enigma. We met by totally random chance 7 years ago. Lost touch...but with Pune being a small place and engineering being a popular choice, mutual friends brought us together again.
As long as you don't break your head over analysing him too much, BJ is an excellent friend. Deep, quiet, no nonsense and yet fun...try to dissect him and you've got yourself trouble.

He's brilliant the way he is, and needs no analysis. Make him smile and you won't need anything else!

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Writing about friendship is the most difficult thing to do when friends are the most common thing that all the people in the world have. When we think about friendship, all the best times spent with friends come to my mind as if those moments happened yesterday. All those stupid things we did together. These stupid things make our life better.
There can be friends with whom you unwind and forget them as soon as you go home, friends whom you trust with your life. But generally I don't categorize friends on these parameters. We always talk with strangers on the bus and cherish those conversations even if we don't meet them ever again. Every friend, despite his so-called category, is important in his own right.
Making new friends is very important as you grow. More the friends, more is the chance of you succeeding in your life. The way of making doesn't matter.

Sunsets reflects on Friendship

Sunsets is a classmate in Indira...or rather...was.
I hate her. She is far too sincere and unassuming, without the slightest bit of pretentiousness. She seems to stand for exactly the opposite of all the things that I like. However, we're still friends.
What does that say about me?

Point to ponder.

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Friendship….

It is one relationship that has been such an important part of my life. Yet, when I am asked to write on it, I have to think so hard. I’ve always believed that “friends are forever” and if they are not forever, then they were never your friends.

I have lost touch with some people who I thought were my friends. It made me question the relationship. I have to admit, life made me wait a bit too long but its made up to me for all the delay.

My first ever friend and my best friend has redefined the relationship for me and she is the only reason I am able to write on this subject with a smile and great enthusiasm. Before I begin my understanding of this very beautiful relationship, I wanna dedicate this write up to my best friend. I would like to narrate incidents as I describe what a friend is.

Final year college…a critical period in my life…mom very unwell….assignments lined up and exams approaching…sleeping for just 4 hours every night….used to sleep on the bench in college during free lectures. My friend use to make me lie in her lap, make sure that no one makes noise around me....make me sleep like a kid. A friend can comfort you in the worst phase of your life and keep telling you that everything is under control and will be okay very soon. A friend is the shelter you take on a rainy day.

My first ever interview for a job after college…I have a thing with interviews. She stood outside waiting for me. I still remember the warmth of the hug that she gave me when I came out. Whenever you need some quick dose of self confidence…call up a friend and you will discover buoyancy in yourself.

I have always found doing the stupidest of things with my friend….yet the whole experience makes so much sense. I’ve cracked bizarre jokes with her and fallen apart laughing….I am sure they won’t make anyone laugh. When you go for a movie with your friend, you don’t really bother what film you are gonna watch, you know its gonna be great fun.

My friend gives a treat to people (even though she is thousands of miles away from me) when I score well in my academics. She is the one person who will dance in your success and make you dance when you fail.

She has stood by me even when she did not agree with my decision….she has trusted my conviction and just allowed me to be myself. She differed with me on the most critical decision of my life but she stood by me like a rock. Your friend will be your best cover you can imagine…as one grows up, it becomes difficult to define the line between friends and family. My friend is like my extended family.

I realize I am telling you all the good things. Your friend is like a mirror…that, of course, will never lie. I have always got it right back when I have made a mistake. She will be your worst critic yet your biggest fan. She will point out mistakes until she is sure that you’ve got it right. She will appreciate the smallest thing in you when you need to get your confidence back.

I always say that I can never have long lasting relationships with people who lie conveniently and almost compulsively. I know it is an art but unfortunately it does not find place in my list of acceptable things. So, it goes without saying that trust has to be the foundation of friendship. Your life is so comfortable when you know that there is someone by your side whose intentions can never be doubted. This person will never cheat you and the moment you have a doubt, you were wrong about this relationship from the beginning.

I have seen people using the word friend pretty frivolously. I always hold myself back from such a person as far as any emotional bonds are concerned. An acquaintance would have never seen you cry…but a friend would have a wet shoulder every time you cry. An acquaintance will come to your party with a bottle of wine….a friend will stay back and help you clean after the party is over. An acquaintance will party at your success bash but a friend will hold your hand when you taste failure.

A friend will never ask you to prove yourself…. She will know you better than you know yourself. Your friend will never let you go the wrong way. Instead she will take all your ridicule but will not let you falter.

The one relationship that I have the highest regard for is the one between parents and children. I worship my parents. I place friendship right after that relationship. The two people involved in a friendship are equals. They are not judgmental about each other. Friendship survives even when friends don’t meet each other. Friends don’t have to be similar in nature or temperament. They just have to listen to each other and understand one another well.

In a world of cut throat competition where every person wants to use you like a ladder to rise, a friend is a blessing that only fortunate people have. No matter what life have in store for me, I will always be fortunate.

PD's ponderings on Friendship

PD - is a school chum who came about pretty late in the school scenario.
In fact, I could say that I didn't really get to know him till a couple years ago.
We have our disagreements but I find his honesty refreshing and feel blessed that there are a few people who have decided to act as a mirror for me. He is one of them.

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So, friendship huh…? Let’s see… What is friendship? Who is a friend?

(For simplicity sake, I would be referring to a friend in the masculine as him rather than him/her)

The most popular view especially when it comes down to putting it on paper is the romantic idea of friendship… A friend is someone who you can share all your feelings with, someone who will be there whenever you need him, someone “who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else”, someone “who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words”, someone with whom “you can have the best conversation without even saying a word” and so on and so forth…

But then, are we defining a friend or a best-friend/soul-mate? A person may have helped you quite a few times but might not have gone out of his way to help you at a few other instances. What do you call him then? Selfish? Not a true friend? Ok.. He may not be worthy of being your best friend. But then it will be unfair to call him just an acquaintance. Or does his inability or maybe even unwillingness to help you out on a few occasions (due to whatever reasons; maybe plain laziness) make him a bad friend. As long as he has helped you out even once with no selfish motives and without expecting anything in return, his deed should be considered a sign of friendship.

More often than not, how many of your secrets and feelings you share with a person is taken to be an indicator of how good friends you are, which is quite correct. This is where the “trust” factor comes into picture. Trust is the most important. But then trust has many aspects - trust him to keep a secret or trust him to do some work of yours that you have requested him to do “on time” and so on. More often than not, these are different people. You may share all your secrets with a friend but may not trust him to carry out that “all-important” errand on time. For that, you will rush to the sincere, hard-working friend of yours. Is he not your friend because you don’t trust him to keep a secret? But then he is the most dependable in other ways, isn’t he? They are all friends; just different types.

Of course, you are more likely to ask the one who knows your secrets to do that all important work. Similarly you may start spilling out your secrets to that sincere, hard-working friend who you trust to do you work as you spend more time together. But that is a different issue.

There may also be a case where both of the above persons may not be your favourites when it comes to doing some activity together – e.g. sitting together in lectures, playing video games, etc. Now consider a guy in college you don’t mind spending time with. A guy you would happily sit next to in lectures, goof around or have intellectual discussions - just enjoy in general (whatever your idea of enjoyment and fun maybe). But you don’t tell each other secrets. He is not even your go-to guy in case you need some help. However, you spend a decent amount of time together and enjoy each other’s company or let me take it a step further – you don’t mind each other’s company. Is he not a friend? But then he wouldn’t pass the classical test of friendship, would he?

My basic point is while all the classical definitions of friendship are correct; ANDing them is not. They need to be ORed. A friend needs to satisfy one or more of those conditions and not all.

The only essential is that you “trust” your friend never to wish (or desire) ill for you. That is the only pre-requisite for friendship. You possibly can’t call a person who thinks ill of/ wishes ill for you as your friend.

Look around… you may have more friends than you know !!!

Words from the Wise One

All hail the Wise One! The Godmother of VG Vaze College arrivée!!
Just listen and be in awe!

Hehe. I'm being facetious but Flame is someone you have to meet to get to know...so describing her is pointless. Just go ahead and read.

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I have been very fortunate to have all kinds of friends in my life from loud, crazy, and adventurous to shy, introvert and homely, from possessive, and dependent to carefree and strong. Some of them have been toppers while few of them have flunked exams for years together! From peers of my age to being best friends with someone a decade older! I have a special relationship with all of them irrespective of our likes, dislikes, beliefs and common interests.

I have come to believe that my friends, all of them are like stones, and it is I who carves them. What I mean is how my friends treat me is MY responsibility. So how close I am to a friend or in what way a friend behaves with me is all my doing. It actually boils down to give and get and this is true the other way also. For example, if I am being showered with love and affection by a friend (that’s what he is giving me) I would naturally return those feelings, if not now then certainly in due course. It’s pretty simple if someone’s good to you; you end up being good to them. isn’t it?

As my friend if you are getting love, care and respect from me now, know that it’s your actions that are making me behave with you in this way and at the same time if you are getting indifference and hurt from me that is also because of you. When you sow chilies you will get chilies and not mangoes! and sometimes when you plant something like jackfruit it will take a little bit more time to get but you shall definitely get jackfruit and not anything else.

I remember this especially when I develop distance or some misunderstanding with friends. It prevents me from blaming and accusing them and motivates me to take corrective action, coz it’s you who has to sow mangoes to get mangoes!

Article of the Day

Today we have CoCo's sister writing. Caprice is her middle name and in some ways, it describes her perfectly. (Look up the meaning - learn a new word!)
We first met when she was 5 and I, 7 - the first girl that I got along with at all but in many ways...I had no choice...
We have a picture somewhere of her using me as a mattress. So...
Hehe.

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Friends! i would say that i have three types of friends.

my best friends are the ones i can tell my truest feelings to and they won't judge me. there is a deep understanding and trust in one another. all our actions and words are understood without any mixed signals. i feel great comfort when i'm around them as well as loyalty and attachment. i know that we will be friends for many years to come.

my school friends are ones that have the same work ethic as me. we have fun doing homework together and groaning over our up coming tests, but once school ends, we don't really have much in common.

and then there are the friends i have just for the good times! this friendship doesn't run as deep and isn't as important to me but it's nice to be shallow once in a while and just laugh and joke around.

so over all, my best friends are the most important to me because they are the ones i know will be there through thick and thin! :D

i don't really have any quotes that come to mind... well, there's always this one:
"A true friend is one who reaches for your hand and touches your heart."
but that's a little sappy haha.

Younger views: Part 1

This post is by Ella, part time princess, part time freelance journalist, full time student.
This girl has literary ambitions in the journalistic vein and does a very good job at her work.
Wish her all the best for the future.

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Well ask any teenager what his friends mean to him, and you will get the most probable answer - "Everything!". In teenage, the role of friends is so great in our life that they become life!

A friend is that person who helps you cope, who stays with you through thick and thin. Yes, its true that "Better be alone than in bad company". But i personally feel that if you are good, the 'good' company usually finds you and does not let you be alone.

Friendship is that strong and at the same time tender relation which goes way beyond envy, jealousy and competition. But, your best friend is not the one who keeps on praising you and agrees with whatever you say but the one who, when needed, tells you right from wrong.

For me, life without friends is like a desert, and one with them, its an oasis!

Younger views: Part 2

Ishan K writes the following post - one of my students kind enough to oblige and share his thoughts, when I asked for contributions.

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Friendship ,a nine lettered-word which always transfers us on cloud nine. It is a the time of life which we cannot forget even after our body has decomposed. Friendship prevents us from committing suicide (if it is a case) a rarity but still. One cannot even imagine, forget thinking, of living without one's friends. One can truly say that behind a succesful person there are his faithful and loyal friends. I am quite fortunate that i have friends who are very dear to me.
So friends, fellow-bloggers, passers-by, the one whom i am sending this message to and the whole world, may i say (brothers and sisters) please never forsake your faithful friends as you may call them your faithful sidekicks. Rejoice in the name of friendship.
Let the friendship start and not end.

Article of the Day

Today, we have the Saucepan girl.
She's also Dutch and meeting her was even more random. She's the sister of a friend. Met this friend (and no, at least *I* don't consider him an acquaintance) only once. Never met her. Yet we still talk on IM and have some decent fun.

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Aristotle once said: Friendship is like two souls in one body. This is, I think, a bit over the top, you don't feel that way about all your friends, if any at all.

In my opinion there are different friends. There are friends with whom you can laugh, friends with whom you can talk about certain subjects or do certain things, and friends to whom you can trust your deepest secrets. And indeed, if you're lucky, you have one or two friends to whom you don't have to say anything to make them understand you.

Some would say the last would be your best friend, but for me, friends who are just for clubbing or having fun, can be just as important as other friends.

Some friends will only be there a short time; others may be there for the rest of your life. To predict who will stay in your life is impossible. I notice how I, a year after finishing secondary school, don't keep in touch with some people I thought I would, and the other way round.

Friendship, for me, is to enjoy spending time with someone else, and for the other to enjoy spending time with me. And for every friend, there is a different interpretation to this concept.

G's beliefs about Friendship

Today, we have G with an entirely different take on Friendship.
She's my college class mate from Mumbai, as aspiring forensic psychologist...a complete darling to boot!

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G's beliefs about Friendship

I believe in destiny, a divine plan designed for each and every one of us which is played on this earth. Friends according to me are brought together by someone up there, not everyone has a chance to meet each other or rather be friends. Things are meant to be a certain way ….how else would you explain things like say the people we meet who first seem so very annoying become our closest friends and stay with us forever , and those who seem promising and close become mere acquaintances.

Initially, as a child friends and friendships didn’t mean much to me. I was and still am extremely attached to my family .I had my mum who’s like a best friend , my sister my playmate, and my dad a true role model in every sense. Having everything around me I really thought I didn’t need any one else in my life …I was happy and doing very well, friends did exist and I liked them as well, but they weren’t the centre of my universe I always seemed to maintain a distance, though they did want to come closer, I was the one who held back.

Today, things have changed a lot though the closeness and attachment to my family remains as strong as ever; the importance that I give to my friends has increased so much. They are like my extended family without them life would seem so dull and boring. Friends help one grow and mature, discover so many qualities and talents that one never knew existed within themselves. "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin . Well, yes there are those small little tiffs that happen but I believe where’s the fun without all that? It helps two people come closer and make the relationship a lot more stronger.

A relationship based on trust, unconditional love, respect for one another (though may sound very cliché) are all pre-requisites for maintaining it forever. Along with all this I have experienced that each individual in the relation should give a lot of space to the other, understand and accept them as they are. I have realized that initially I had stretched the space factor a little too much. Though unintentionally, and thus pushed myself away from them. Today I am back in touch with almost all of them; it feels so great to experience the amount of love that is there within them for me. I am a happier person because of them.

Once you have called somebody your friend do not let go of them as is very well put by - Charles Caleb Colton "True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."
If you care then share how you care with the people that you love and call as “friends” because they are precious and deserve every bit of it.

Hesh contributes a poem...

Friendship is a rare jewel that shines,
Only when you give it a sunny smile
Friendship is a lock that opens,
Only when you unlock your true self to it
Friendship is a song, which is sung,
Only when you know its rhythm
Friendship is a dream, which comes true,
Only when you believe in it
Friendship is a sun, which rises,
Only when your heart has set on it
Friendship is a throne, on which you can sit,
Only when you share your kingdom with it
Friendship is a path, which you will find,
Only when you know you are lost
Friendship is a hand that holds yours,
Only when you extend yours
Friendship is an album of reminiscences, which you can leaf through,
Only when you cherish it
Friendship is a lamp, which lights,
Only when you know it will assuage your heart
Friendship is a lantern, which glows,
Only when you need the warmth of it
Friendship is a language, which you speak,
Only when you know the meaning of it
Friendship is a potpourri of feelings, which you can smell,
Only when you have a true friend…

Family-friend?

Today's article is by Dooey - not sure anyone calls him that anymore - and in fact, I'm considering calling him CoCo - for reasons that may or may not be explained here...

Hehe...I digress.
This guy lives two continents away. Is a cousin. We just seem to click whenever we get together. In person, online...whatever. We first met when he was 3, I was 7. He didn't talk to much. Subsequent meetings since then...he talks a little more but I have learned to blabber...
In any case...when we talk these days (and it's usually after fair amounts of time) it is just very refreshing. A cousin who is also a friend....
As we both grow up, I've been discovering new sides to him and happy at that...now I know my cousins abroad are not really these warm fuzzy creatures full of sunshine and rainbows...well, they are warm and fuzzy but a little dark too (at times) and I enjoy that!

Enough from me... read what CoCo has to say and learn a little bit about him!

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Some thoughts from CoCo

Friendship is one of the most ambiguous words in the English language. I think when you get right down to it there are "true" friendships and there are acquaintences. But the vast majority of people subsitute "friend" where "acquaintence" should rightfully go. An acquaintence is just someone who you may share a common interest with, know them through a mutual friend (or even another mutual acquaintence), or are forced to be with (say in a job situation) but, beyond that, share very little emotional connection. So now that that little ambiguity is sorted out I'll talk about "true" friendship.

A friend is someone who challenges you and pushes you in as many ways possible to be a better person and do your best. A friend is someone who criticizes you and forces you to face fears. A friend is someone who knows when to be silent. A friend is someone who will let you cry. A friend is someone who will give their opinion but not so much that it will cause damage. A friend is someone who pats you on the back. A friend is someone who tells you their deepest secrets and you reciprocate. A friend will carry you for a while but eventually force you to walk on your own. And the two most important: A friend teaches you things that no one else could teach you. A friend is honest.

The origin of Friendship Month

I almost went to bed today without putting the article up!

Procrastinated all day, then read some law and had a delicious discussion with Doo, a cousin (who goes up tomorrow) and got distracted.

Today, we have Duckie's thoughts on Friendship. Some of them at least...he's promised more verbosity but I'm using his previous piece, which I read out in my English class.
Duckie is the origin of this entire exercise and today, you get to know a little bit about him

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Duckie's thoughts on Friendship

How can one tell who their true friends are? One could say:

“Friends are not the people we like to talk to, they are the people with whom we like to be silent together.”

At times our friends know how we feel, sometimes even better than we do. With other people you may feel pressured to make conversation; if no one knows what to say the proverbial “awkward silence” occurs. With your friends there is nothing awkward about silence.

I rarely remember discussions with my friends, but I always remember the times when we just sit together, even though for a stranger it must seem that we are doing nothing at all.